Winter 2022
Simply put, this has been a year from Hell. Actually, the latest in a multitude.
I’ll try to refrain from going into a lot of detail, but I will describe the general outline.
Begin with mental health struggles. In 2020, I was at least working with a counselor. He left the health clinic I visit for my primary care provider. Since then, I haven’t been able to find a replacement, and feel I’ve fallen through the cracks waiting for a referral that never seems to come. There’s another clinic I could go to, but the impression is that they just want to push pills. If the diagnosis doesn’t have a pill available for treatment, change the diagnosis to something similar that can be medicated. Ironic, since 30+ years ago I was told that the issues I had didn’t have pills that could solve the problems.
One of those struggles is Seasonal Affective Disorder (depression worsened by the lack of sunlight in the winter months.)
Physically, my health has stabilized, and in some areas improved. That can change at any time with no warning.
I have relatives that have distanced themselves (or maybe I’ve done things to push them away; not sure on that one.) My niece’s husband (they live next door) pushed the wrong button once too often, and I ended up giving him the silent treatment since March. The only reason I talked to him a few days ago was because he spoke to me first.
Financially, the past 2–3 years have been one step forward, two steps back.
And one last factor. My father passed away when I was 13. We got the news December 15, and his funeral was less than a week before Christmas. Meanwhile, my maternal grandfather passed during my sophomore year in college. I found out about it when I came home for Christmas break. Getting hit with that news was bad enough, but what made it worse was being told, “his funeral is tomorrow (Christmas Eve.)” The two men I admired most while growing up, both gone in the space of 6 years, both just before Christmas.
Yet folks wonder why I hate seeing the calendar turn to its final page of the year.
Yeah, it sounds like I’m a whiner. What people don’t catch onto is that I’m more of an optimist than I seem, and I’m not looking for sympathy.
Just understanding.
I also want people to take the time to look beyond the attitude of, “it’s not happening to me, so it doesn’t really exist.”
After dealing with all this, a recent minor event made me realize just how far down the rabbit hole I’ve fallen. Imagine having days where the depression is so bad, even I don’t like being around me. Now multiply that by the span of 2–3 years, at least.
As I said, I’m an optimist at heart. With no other avenues available, I tried this week to create my own therapy through music.
On Facebook I’ve been posting links to YouTube videos for holiday songs. I’ve tried to aim for ones not played as often as the “classics”, both old and new. Thus, I bypassed things like John Lennon’s “So This is Christmas” (and frankly, Yoko Ono’s voice grates on me to no end.)
So, here’s my playlist, including the upcoming selections for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day:
Monday, December 19 — Rusty Chevrolet (Da Yoopers) Starting off with a bit of humor
Tuesday, December 20 — Christmas in Hollis (Run DMC) Not my usual taste in music, but minds work best when open; I also like the humor in the video
Wednesday, December 21 — O Little Town of Bethlehem (Bob Rivers) A classic carol set to “House of the Rising Sun”
Thursday, December 22 — I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm (Ella Fitzgerald/Louis Armstrong) Jazzing things up a bit (literally)
Friday, December 23 — Christmas in Our Hearts (Pentatonix and Lea Solanga) A cappella group, with a song definitely in the Christmas vibe
Saturday, December 24 (projected) — The Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth (Bing Crosby and David Bowie) A very unexpected combination of talents
Sunday, December 25 (projected) — Greatest of These (Kent Bradshaw) A piece, as he says, that’s his interpretation of I Corinthians 13; selected because he’s a longtime friend from college and quite talented
I’ll leave it to you to search YouTube for the videos. For the last one look for the Kent Bradshaw with the subtag “@VoiceInTheDarkness.” You may also want your Book handy (if you have one,) or Google the text for I Corinthians 13.
I can’t speak for anyone else. For me, at least, my little experiment has helped me through the last few days. Sometimes, the best light at the end of tunnel may be the one you provide yourself.
© L. E. Merithew 2022
